I’m still growing as a person, and I may not even fully understand what love is myself, but I do understand feeling, and something feels wrong not to tell you how much you mean to me. I want to continue a relationship with you on a level more than friends, because it makes me happy. You make me happy Joseph Adam Kennerly.
I know I talk too much, and I try to explain too many things and feelings –just based on the length of this letter. Though, the truth is I’m terrified, I’m scared of losing my best friend and best companion. I want to be peas in a pod again, team baseball. I want to work things out when times get ‘pooty.’ Like now. I’ve learned now, that it’s not necessary to take people into a closet when times get rough and make them feel trapped, rather treat a disagreement like a dog –eye level and plenty of space.
I imagine you’ll agree that we have been crowded and need our alone time. We are both feeling the pressure of a typical relationship that was bound to come, sooner or later. And this summer has been challenging, with work, interning, school, etc. I think giving each other some time and space apart is good. It could give us opportunities to do things outside and bring back something new. We don’t have to spend every waking minute together, especially with classes starting soon. I’m not going to be offended when we sleep nights apart. ---Sometimes I forget that I’m not actually responsible to think for the both of us.--- There are many times I’ve actively noticed myself being demanding, overwhelming, and selfish. I’m sorry, and I promise to stop. It’s not a question of ‘can I change’ or ‘how long will it last.’ I’m finished. I need you to trust me and help me.
I'm your first girlfriend, and your first for a few other things, but however scary of a concept it is, I’m not opposed to being your last. I’m well aware Forever never always works out, or isn’t always in the cards. But, I want to try. And I’d like to try with you. Perhaps we’ll get that city apartment someday, travel the world, snuggle into bed with each other, and I can listen to you messing around on Ableton. Things aren’t as crazy and bad as we have both have them out to be. I think we’re both stressed and confused about what our futures hold.
I know I've been stressed, depressed, and obsessed with so many things in the last month. And, I've taken a lot of it out on you. I regret it. The truth is, I know I can count on you. I know that you will make everything better at the end of the day. Even if it only takes you getting me Oreo’s and milk or planning time to take a bike ride somewhere for lunch. (Btw, I never truly get upset when you eat all the cookies). You make me smile.
“I Like it better when everything’s perfect”
You see though, I know it's only been a few days, but I miss you; I miss burying my face in your shoulder...however cheesy that sounds. It's true. I love how you get upset that I’m not ticklish. (I am ticklish, you just haven’t tried long enough yet) You support me; you make me feel emotions that are vast and unexplainable. To think that in the very beginning I avoided you; all I thought was ‘who is this kid.’ Now, all I find myself doing is searching for things around my apartment that will bring me closer to you, yet somehow all traces have been removed. All I’m doing is walking around drinking from my purple water bottle and eyeing the last of the Salsaritas.
You’ve expressed to me that you are hesitant towards some of the things we do, and some of the things we’ve done in the past and that is okay. We don’t have to do any of it, and can whenever you feel comfortable. It is not something for negotiation.
I am enthusiastic to have Jack Daniels readily available in my liquor collection; I am also willing to get rid of my liquor collection if that is more appropriate. I’ve already removed the mirror from above the toilet. It’s ok if you get ramen bits in my carpet, I will vacuum it up. Justin Timberlake is a sexy man. I don’t try to say things that would make you jealous. But, it’s awfully cute when you do get jealous. I would never leave you for Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant, or anyone else --however famous they are. I do call you white boy and fatty, but that’s because you are my white boy. I’m not making fun. How could I make fun of someone that gives me the sweetest little kisses and gets all my stupid jokes? I don’t really mind driving, as long as you are coming along for the ride. I’m not really that tight with money. I want to pay for you; I like to do things for you. Sometimes I just feel like I don’t have enough in personality, talent, or power to make you feel appreciated and loved, so I buy materialistic things. I’m insecure sometimes, I know, but everyone has their moments.
We all act on impulse and frustration. And although you are a man of few words and sometimes exclamatory revelations, I feel that in your heart you still love and care about me. I’m sorry that I get worked up about small insignificant things. And I admit, I have gotten upset on purpose. Please don’t let me go because I’ve made some mistakes or because you’re confused and don’t know how you feel. Trust me, even for only this last time… I know how I feel, and I know how you make me feel, and how we have, and probably still do, feel together…
You have set a pretty high bar for anyone ever willing to take your place in my life. But I’ll just have to tell them that it’s a goal near impossible to reach. I haven’t given up the space and they’ll never amount to a person as well admired, cared for, and talented as Yoseph y la Zilla.
I respect you, and I respect your ideals. I didn’t mean to talk lightly of your roommates or family. I am sorry that I sometimes neglect to clarify my thoughts and bring up unnecessary quarrels –both recently and in the past.
I want to text you, talk to you, and know that you are ok. I miss the idea of knowing that I have someone that I can count on and that even if you overlooked a text, missed a call, or didn’t see an IM…in the end, you will reply and get back to me.
Please get back to me.
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