Love.

You were blessed with so many great friends and family that I will never be. They can fill any role I may have ever attempted to, and do it a hell of a lot better I’m sure. Still, I want you to know that I am here for you. I feel like I’ve let you down and I feel like I’ve let myself down.



I’m still growing as a person, and I may not even fully understand what love is myself, but I do understand feeling, and something feels wrong not to tell you how much you mean to me. I want to continue a relationship with you on a level more than friends, because it makes me happy. You make me happy Joseph Adam Kennerly.



I know I talk too much, and I try to explain too many things and feelings –just based on the length of this letter. Though, the truth is I’m terrified, I’m scared of losing my best friend and best companion. I want to be peas in a pod again, team baseball. I want to work things out when times get ‘pooty.’ Like now. I’ve learned now, that it’s not necessary to take people into a closet when times get rough and make them feel trapped, rather treat a disagreement like a dog –eye level and plenty of space.



I imagine you’ll agree that we have been crowded and need our alone time. We are both feeling the pressure of a typical relationship that was bound to come, sooner or later. And this summer has been challenging, with work, interning, school, etc. I think giving each other some time and space apart is good. It could give us opportunities to do things outside and bring back something new. We don’t have to spend every waking minute together, especially with classes starting soon. I’m not going to be offended when we sleep nights apart. ---Sometimes I forget that I’m not actually responsible to think for the both of us.--- There are many times I’ve actively noticed myself being demanding, overwhelming, and selfish. I’m sorry, and I promise to stop. It’s not a question of ‘can I change’ or ‘how long will it last.’ I’m finished. I need you to trust me and help me.


I'm your first girlfriend, and your first for a few other things, but however scary of a concept it is, I’m not opposed to being your last. I’m well aware Forever never always works out, or isn’t always in the cards. But, I want to try. And I’d like to try with you. Perhaps we’ll get that city apartment someday, travel the world, snuggle into bed with each other, and I can listen to you messing around on Ableton. Things aren’t as crazy and bad as we have both have them out to be. I think we’re both stressed and confused about what our futures hold.



I know I've been stressed, depressed, and obsessed with so many things in the last month. And, I've taken a lot of it out on you. I regret it. The truth is, I know I can count on you. I know that you will make everything better at the end of the day. Even if it only takes you getting me Oreo’s and milk or planning time to take a bike ride somewhere for lunch. (Btw, I never truly get upset when you eat all the cookies). You make me smile.



“I Like it better when everything’s perfect”



You see though, I know it's only been a few days, but I miss you; I miss burying my face in your shoulder...however cheesy that sounds. It's true. I love how you get upset that I’m not ticklish. (I am ticklish, you just haven’t tried long enough yet) You support me; you make me feel emotions that are vast and unexplainable. To think that in the very beginning I avoided you; all I thought was ‘who is this kid.’ Now, all I find myself doing is searching for things around my apartment that will bring me closer to you, yet somehow all traces have been removed. All I’m doing is walking around drinking from my purple water bottle and eyeing the last of the Salsaritas.



You’ve expressed to me that you are hesitant towards some of the things we do, and some of the things we’ve done in the past and that is okay. We don’t have to do any of it, and can whenever you feel comfortable. It is not something for negotiation.



I am enthusiastic to have Jack Daniels readily available in my liquor collection; I am also willing to get rid of my liquor collection if that is more appropriate. I’ve already removed the mirror from above the toilet. It’s ok if you get ramen bits in my carpet, I will vacuum it up. Justin Timberlake is a sexy man. I don’t try to say things that would make you jealous. But, it’s awfully cute when you do get jealous. I would never leave you for Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant, or anyone else --however famous they are. I do call you white boy and fatty, but that’s because you are my white boy. I’m not making fun. How could I make fun of someone that gives me the sweetest little kisses and gets all my stupid jokes? I don’t really mind driving, as long as you are coming along for the ride. I’m not really that tight with money. I want to pay for you; I like to do things for you. Sometimes I just feel like I don’t have enough in personality, talent, or power to make you feel appreciated and loved, so I buy materialistic things. I’m insecure sometimes, I know, but everyone has their moments.
We all act on impulse and frustration. And although you are a man of few words and sometimes exclamatory revelations, I feel that in your heart you still love and care about me. I’m sorry that I get worked up about small insignificant things. And I admit, I have gotten upset on purpose. Please don’t let me go because I’ve made some mistakes or because you’re confused and don’t know how you feel. Trust me, even for only this last time… I know how I feel, and I know how you make me feel, and how we have, and probably still do, feel together…



You have set a pretty high bar for anyone ever willing to take your place in my life. But I’ll just have to tell them that it’s a goal near impossible to reach. I haven’t given up the space and they’ll never amount to a person as well admired, cared for, and talented as Yoseph y la Zilla.



I respect you, and I respect your ideals. I didn’t mean to talk lightly of your roommates or family. I am sorry that I sometimes neglect to clarify my thoughts and bring up unnecessary quarrels –both recently and in the past.



I want to text you, talk to you, and know that you are ok. I miss the idea of knowing that I have someone that I can count on and that even if you overlooked a text, missed a call, or didn’t see an IM…in the end, you will reply and get back to me.


Please get back to me.



<( “ )

clearly.

if i can read you like a book,
you aren't an individual.

anticipate.

the birds first left
then flew back again
and sang to me,
ancticpate the rain

songs that the sun would follow
thus then the sun did came.
and revealed to me a stream
left behind by all the rain

the direction it ran was evident
inevitably inflicting pain
now that all is said and done...
i've learn to expect the rain.

respect.

do we have right to question
ones we respect?

brain and mouth.

seemingly coordinated.
yet, always work in repetitions...
thus, creates confusion.
and heartless degradation.

i am waiting.

for that great new beginning.
and i think it was finally come.

3 point essay -entitled "that guy"

Obviously, it turns out the sweet guy you pretend to be doesn't exist. Really, you just act sweet, like taking a girl out on dates, opening her door, buying her things, etc, simply because it inflates your ego.You want to be that guy because it makes you feel like a man. You think dating you is such a privilege that it could never be the other way around, and you'll take every chance you can get to reassure yourself of that. Because of that, I break up with you, then because your ego is in such shock you do everything you can to win me back, just so you can go on doing the same bullshit, quelling your thirst to act too-cool-for-school. Some fucking mistake I took giving you the benefit of the doubt.


You break up with me on valentine's day. While doing so you act sarcastic about it. "i hope you find someone that doesn't rub your stomach..." -why was that necessary?! How does a guy make a girl cry and sit there in front of her face and act sarcastic about it? Any real man will try to make a girl feel better when she cries, regardless of the situation. And in most cases, you may have. But you're true colors have never been so vibrant. You get left a sweet valentine's gift on your car despite being such a dick, and later you call nonchalantly when its convenient for you with no apologies or heartfelt thank yous. There's no question as to why you can't keep a decent girl around. I still stand up for you when everyone around me continuously to tells me to walk away. What a complete idiot I must be.


In fact, lets talk about me a little bit. I have done NOTHING less than respect your feelings and try to understand your convoluted cock of a brain. You told me that I was your rock. In fact..that was one of the best moments/feelings I have ever experienced. I wanted to be the one that you could depend on. I wanted to be the one that you ran with at the gym. I was ready to be yours, fully. I, unlike most people in your life, don't talk out of my ass for the hell of it. And I think it's necessary for you to understand that you fucked up. I know that I had cold feet, and I know I couldn't express why. However, I know where my feelings are at this point.



Luckily for my sake, I can't possibly be emotionally invested you, thank god, and this is why. Obviously if you had any regret or any want to remain in contact with me in any way whatsoever, you would be doing everything you could to show me you are remorseful. As if it would make any difference if you did, there is no excuse. But you aren't. Because you don't care. So for the record, you made that message loud and clear. And in response, fuck you. I deserve better than you, and it won't be difficult to find.



You are lucky that this is as confrontational as I may get. I wouldn't want to feel as if I were wasting my efforts on such an arrogant prick. I will not allow myself to get walked over like a door mat. There was nothing holding me back from publicly castrating other than my own decency. In fact, I was holding others back. You told me that I broke your heart. GOOD. Until yesterday, I may have thought otherwise. I may have actually believed all the kind words we've exchanged.


You can't turn a whore to a housewife.
You truly are, THAT guy.

walking on sunshine. dancing on your grave.

you. said goodbye on valentines.
you said hello random blonde the next.
i said to another, want to dance?

dry hump, make out. posted up. with blonde.

me. diginified. walks away.

sNOw flakes.

it's cold outside, almost negative.
techno beats in the ears.
chickiiiin noodle soupz.
droopy eyes, nap time.
being creative from 6-9.
will i see you later?
mardi gras!

convoluted.

everything in my life is ----------.
this word was brought to my ATTENTION
by you.  
you. are what makes my life so ----------.
don't kiss me in public.
don't rub my leg as if i'm a dog.
thanks.

so maybe at this exact moment.

my life is blissfully amazing. 

that was perfect.

gracias.
for the soup,
the salad,
the seviche'
potatoes
AND steak.
we skipped the asparagus.
i don't mind. 
Julia & Julia. > sleeps.

ily. already. but i would never admit that to you.

hey there.

i'm was at work;
you were drinking.
with my manager
i hear from your friends that you wanted to approach me.
i said hi first.
you slept in my bed last night.
handsome.
please remember me throughout the week.

you make me giggle homosexual friend.

"i was wondering,
why my burp,
...was not accompanied by music"

"i retract my statement
of normality"

"that makes my pancreas hurt."

you: i'm just making this up
me: what?
you: how to put this together...
me:
you: so, if it flies off and kills us, i'm sorry?

"awe! my laptop looks so cute in that picture"